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| Contents |
Issue No. 316 -- 7 February 2005 |
Editor's Message
Quote/s of the Week
Ad Hoc Article/s of the Week
Bits and Bobs
The Legal Beagle
Help Desk
Where are they now?
Club and Other News
Humour
Recipes
Sports News
Credits and Contact Info
Subscribing and Unsubscribing
| Send this Issue to a Friend! |
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I have spent the past three Friday afternoons visiting a hypnotist. He has been helping me sort out the reasons why I have difficulty in both getting to sleep and staying asleep. I have always been a very light sleeper as far back as I can consciously remember and wake up numerous times each night.
This is not such a problem when one is single – or sleeping alone – but was becoming a problem for me as my dear husband (now we are living in South Africa) does not go away on business trips each week for two or three nights as he used to do when we lived in the USA. At least when he was away I could catch up a bit on my sleep as there were no interruptions from a heavy breathing or snoring husband!
I was becoming severely sleep deprived – to the extent that I could not do much in the way of exercise and also looked like death on legs!
Enter the hypnotist. It has taken three sessions of two hours each and I am now sleeping better than I can ever remember! I do not fall asleep the second I get into bed but the subconscious reasons for the problem have now been sorted out.
Captain Ken is much relieved... it was getting to the stage that we would need separate bedrooms just so I could get some amount of sleep. I am much relieved also! Now have the energy for my favourite sporting activity... yes... more water skiing!
These from me (via a member of SAW)...
Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. - Chinese Proverb ~
That's the risk you take if you change: that people you've been involved with won't like the new you. But other people who do will come along. - Lisa Alther
All that we are is the result of what we have thought; it is founded on our thoughts; it is made up of our thoughts. A man's life is the direct result of his thoughts. - Buddha
A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for. - Grace Murray Hopper
Send in any quotes you love... that have some special meaning for you... and I will use at least one every week. Usual address! editor@saw.co.za
| Ad Hoc Article/s of the Week |
TOP |
Coming Home
Each week we will feature a question and answer sent in to the Company for Immigration. We hope these will help answer any questions you might have regarding any part of the coming home process. If you would like to send in your own question, please feel very free to do so.
We will also be featuring a great amount of information on the SAW Website (www.saw.co.za) under the Coming Home section. You can also find out info by visiting our newly relaunched site, South Africa Online (www.southafrica.co.za) and checking out the Coming to SA section.
Here is a bit more info...
Whenever and wherever South Africans meet, the surest way to start a lively discussion, is to ask someone for an opinion about emigration from or remigration back to South Africa. In 2002 we (i.e. the non-profit immigration service, Company for Immigration, and the trade-union, Solidarity) realized that the return of South African expats had become a fact and that their inputs are essential for the growth and development of the country. We are neither interested in a debate about the reasons why people leave or come back, nor about the merit of their decisions. We prefer to provide a practical service instead:
offering advice and assistance to prospective remigrants;
addressing the problems which cause people to emigrate; and informing people about the pros and cons of emigration, to help them make an informed decision before leaving.
Interested? Want to receive our monthly newsletter by email? Have questions or suggestions? If so, please visit our mirror sites www.comehome.co.za or www.komhuistoe.co.za and leave your details on the visitor's page, or contact us at admin@cfi.org.za. We are looking forward to hearing from you!
Alana & Annatjie
COME HOME CAMPAIGN
This week’s Q and A:
Linda, Germany, asks: My husband (a German citizen) and I intend to move to SA during 2005. What will a temporary or permanent residence permit cost him?
Reply: Dear Linda, the spouse of a SA citizen is not required to pay for any immigration permit. The application for a temporary residence permit (including the spousal accompaniment permit, a work or study permit) as well as for a permanent residence permit will therefore be free.
Company for Immigration / Maatskappy vir Immigrasie
P.O. Box 1283, Pretoria, 0001, South Africa
T: 0027-12-3231428
F: 0027-12-3239587
admin@cfi.org.za
Make Poverty History - Nelson Mandela
This from a reader...
http://www.makepovertyhistory.org
Listen to OneWorld.net radio for full audio of the speech (MP3). http://radio.oneworld.net/mediamanage/stream/6034/5497/messageToGez1107447003.mp3
http://www.guardian.co.uk/hearafrica05/story/0,15756,1405709,00.html?gusrc=rss
Mandela tells Britain: it is time for justice
James Meek
Friday February 4, 2005
The Guardian
Nelson Mandela looked tired and stiff as he walked down the steps in front of the National Gallery yesterday to speak to the crowd, one careful step at a time. He looked old. Perhaps he will not come to London again.
The long black coat and the baggy fur hat against the chill - half the crowd was coughing with the bug that pervades the capital - had the look of the back cover of a life, so different from the rich sunny colours of the hero's shirts in the latter African chapters.
Then, as he reached the podium, when he didn't need to concentrate on not slipping, he looked up, looked at the thousands of faces filling Trafalgar Square, and smiled. The frail old man disappeared. The smile was the same as it always was, the Mandela grin, not a politician's switched-on toothiness or a star's eating up the adoration but a mixture of humility, majesty and plain delight.
"As you know, I recently formally announced my retirement from public life and should not really be here," said Mr Mandela. The crowd laughed, and listened while, with his slow, deliberate, deep voice, he read out the call to act against African poverty. "Overcoming poverty is not a gesture of charity," he said. "It is an act of justice."
The crowd listened, and appreciated, although many seemed to be goggling at a legend come to life, listening to the sound of his voice as much as to the words he said.
No other living statesman is a celebrity, a leader, and an object of veneration like this.
One press photographer whipped off his anorak as Mandela approached and stood there in the cold in a T-shirt from a Free Nelson Mandela concert two decades ago. Behind the Guardian a man who would hardly have been born then tried to hold his amateur's camera steady and murmured over and over: "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God," as the living Mandela filled the viewfinder.
Enough pigeons had escaped the exterminators to swirl overhead while he spoke. A few hundred yards away stood the pale bulk of South Africa House, where for more than 1,300 days in the 1980s anti-apartheid demonstrators kept up a vigil so tenacious that they acquired their own postal address.
"I can never thank the people of Britain enough for their support through those days of the struggle against apartheid," said Mr Mandela. "Many stood in solidarity with us, just a few yards from this spot. Through your will and passion, you assisted in consigning that evil system for ever to history.
"But in this new century, millions of people in the world's poorest countries remain imprisoned, enslaved, and in chains. They are trapped in the prison of poverty. It is time to set them free."
In the press of the crowd, squeezed between the fountains and the lions, were two veterans of the struggle somewhat younger than Mr Mandela, who will be 88 this year: the Kenya-born Jean Lafontaine, 73, and her daughter Amanda Sackur, 45. "It was very moving to see him and to add support to the campaign," said Mrs Lafontaine.
"In some respects, things in the world are better, but in other respects they're worse. The poverty in Africa has not gone away and the despair is greater, because the hopes were so high."
The latest campaign, Make Poverty History, is intended to unite charities in a single effort to persuade rich countries to offer Africa a better deal on trade, debt and aid in 2005.
Moved as she was to see Mr Mandela, Ms Sackur, a campaigner since her teens, fretted about the sucking of politics out of yesterday's event.
"Most of it was about slogans and aid," she said. "I think most people would take away from this that we've got to increase aid rather than change the system that creates poverty."
The lead-in to Mr Mandela's appearance was a curious mixture of passionate speeches, music and celebrity. Jamelia sang her hit song Stop.
The other Nelson in the square, the admiral on the column, had his back to the proceedings, but the copper cable run ning down his back made it look as if he was already wired for sound, and you half-expected him to turn round and join Jamelia in a duet.
The final warm-up to Mr Mandela was Bob Geldof, who made a version of the let's-cut-the-crap speech he has been making about aid to Africa for 20 years. He still manages to sound genuinely outraged that the crap is still there.
He urged the crowd to mob the G8 leaders when they met at Gleneagles later this year. "When the leaders of the rich world come to our country, they must not have the luxury of isolation," he said.
At the end of his speech Mr Mandela, leaning on a white walking stick, took off the white band tied round his sleeve, the emblem of the new campaign, and gave it to a group of Scottish schoolchildren. It was time to say goodbye.
"Madiba wants to hang around all day, but he can't because he's too old," said Geldof, referring to Mr Mandela by his African praise name. Mr Mandela laughed. "Come on, let's go and sit down," said Geldof. "Gleneagles!"
The Good News - Affordable seawater desalination developed by SA company
Many urban dwellers in South Africa have for a long time not had to think consciously about the fact that we actually live in a very dry country. However, this has changed recently as many of the cities have experienced significantly less rain than the annual average for the past several years due to gradual climate change. This summer Cape Town residents are adhering to very strict water restrictions in an attempt to avoid running out of water.
The good news is that local scientists have developed a new water desalination system, which they have already implemented in desalination plants in the Middle East, Asia and other dry coastal areas. The company, Ocean Mineral Water, which is run by local group Grahamtek Systems, has been operating in this business since 1994. They claim that they can supply fresh water from sea water at around R4,80/1 000 litres, a lower price than many consumers currently pay for municipal water.
Until now the cost of very high energy requirements has made desalination an extremely expensive option. But by using their lower-cost reverse osmosis method, the company recently erected a desalination plant in the Maldives that produces 500 000 litres of fresh water a day at a cost of only R1,5 million. They erected the plant in just one day.
The technology can also be used for water other than seawater, including industrial water such as the millions of litres lying in mines in Gauteng and the brackish water found in dry areas like the Karoo. The company has even been able to clean seawater that had been used to pump out oil in the United Arab Emirates, and make it fit to drink. The system may even be able to produce water that is cleaner and healthier than the water currently supplied from reservoirs.
Surrounded by ocean, but with a serious shortage of fresh water for drinking and agriculture, the City of Cape Town has been forced to take a fresh look at water sources. With support from the mayor's office, the council is currently looking at the viability of the desalination system as an alternative source of clean drinking water. They are examining where a plant might be situated and what its environmental impact would be. Hopefully, using locally developed technology, South Africa will before long be in a far more sustainable position with respect to fresh water.
For more interesting and exciting news about developments in South Africa, subscribe to the International Marketing Council's regular BrandSA newsletter by visiting www.imc.org.za/goodstuff.htm or www.imc.org.za/subscribe.asp.
Mind Massage
It's February, which happens to be National Heart Awareness Month here in the U.S.
I'm using it as an excuse to focus on the heart in our lightHEARTed approach to mindfulness.
Not that I need an excuse, but like everyone else, I find it a lot easier to remember things when someone offers a little reminder. (Hey--you can't be mindful of everything all at once!)
Heartfully yours,
Maya ;-)
Mindfulness and Laughter: Gaining Clarity While Giggling
Life is funny.
Throughout the day, there are plenty of humorous moments that we tend to ignore. We get so caught up in being earnest that we miss opportunities to gain clarity while giggling.
Sure, there are times when it is considered inappropriate to laugh, but if we're honest, we'll see that if we're suppressing a smile it's a sign that we're fully present.
Not only that, but these are times when we could most use a little laughter to bring levity to an overly-serious situation. The best business meetings--and funerals--I've ever attended included plenty of bust-a-gut moments.
Years ago, during a two-week silent meditation retreat, I got the giggles. Oh, I know, you're supposed to be *serious* about meditating for five hours straight, but I couldn't help it.
It all started when I was roused from my peaceful posture by a certain "KLUNK!" from across the room. I opened my eyes to see that one of my retreat buddies had fallen asleep and landed with his head against the wall. Momentarily unnerved, he quickly straightened up, closed his eyes and put on his best meditator's face.
I, on the other hand, completely lost it.
I managed to stifle the first few giggles, but then they started escaping in little bursts. I tried the ol' coughing technique, hoping to disguise my snorts as expectoration, but I wasn't fooling anyone.
Pretty soon, I saw (well, I did have my eyes open) others looking my way. Nobody else was laughing. In fact, nobody else was even smiling. Clearly, I was the only one who had allowed myself to get caught up in that unexpected moment of hilarity.
I was chagrined, and then annoyed, and continued to watch my response to this incident shift over the next few minutes.
Had it been funny? Of course. Were we supposed to be concentrating fully on the moment? Absolutely. Anything else would be attachment to past regrets or worries about the future.
Okay, so we were supposed to be focusing on watching our thoughts, and this little interruption was not part of what was going on in our heads. But isn't ignoring what's happening around us the same kind of thing that gets us into trouble back in the Real World?
We go about our lives, obsessing silently, moving mindlessly, getting things done. We fail to notice the wonder and joy and beauty all around us because we are in full scowl mode about the things in our heads.
Well, I'm all for taking time to laugh. Give me a giggling guru over a dour taskmaster every time. The greatest guides--in business, education, and personal success--are those who encourage us to invite hilarity into our lives whenever it happens to appear.
Open your eyes to the silliness around you, and laugh out loud. It's good for your heart in every way.
Hearty Har Har
Did you know that laughing 100 times is equivalent to working out for ten minutes on a rowing machine?
Sounds like a good reason to skip the gym and go for a walk with your funniest friend!
For more info on laughter and health (and to find out why it's not possible to tickle yourself) take a look at this site...
http://people.howstuffworks.com/laughter6.htm
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Maya Talisman Frost is a mind masseuse offering specialized mindfulness training to individuals and groups in Portland, Oregon. Her work has inspired thinkers in over 100 countries. To subscribe to her free ezine, the Friday Mind Massage, please visit http://www.massageyourmind.com.
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©Copyright 2004, Maya Talisman Frost
52 Best Stories - Of Dogs and Angels
During my years in animal welfare work - I served as the president of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals - I have heard wonderful stories about the power of the human-animal bond. One of my favorites is about a girl and her very special dog.
When the girl was born, her parents were stationed with the U.S. Army overseas. The tiny baby spiked a fever of 106 degrees and when they couldn't help her at the military base, the baby and her family were flown home to the United States where she could receive the proper medical care.
The alarming fever kept recurring, but the baby survived.
When the episode was over, the child was left with thirteen different seizure causes, including epilepsy. She had what was called multiple seizure syndrome and had several seizures every day. Sometimes she stopped breathing.
As a result, the little girl could never be left alone. She grew to be a teenager and if her mother had to go out, her father or brothers had to accompany her everywhere, including to the bathroom, which was awkward for everyone involved. But the risk of leaving her alone was too great and so, for lack of a better solution, things went on in this way for years.
The girl and her family lived near a town where there was a penitentiary for women. One of the programs there was a dog-training program. The inmates were taught how to train dogs to foster a sense of competence, as well as to develop a job skill for the time when they left the prison. Although most of the women had serious criminal backgrounds, many made excellent dog trainers and often trained service dogs for the handicapped while serving their time.
The girl's mother read about this program and contacted the penitentiary to see if there was anything they could do for her daughter. They had no idea how to train a dog to help a person in the girl's condition, but her family decided that a companion animal would be good for the girl, as she had limited social opportunities and they felt she would enjoy a dog's company.
The girl chose a random-bred dog named Queenie and together with the women at the prison, trained her to be an obedient pet. But Queenie had other plans. She became a "seizure- alert" dog, letting the girl know when a seizure was coming on, so that the girl could be ready for it.
I heard about Queenie's amazing abilities and went to visit the girl's family and meet Queenie. At one point during my visit, Queenie became agitated and took the girl's wrist in her mouth and started pulling her towards the living room couch. Her mother said,
"Go on now. Listen to what Queenie's telling you."
The girl went to the couch, curled up in a fetal position, facing the back of the couch and within moments started to seize. The dog jumped on the couch and wedged herself between the back of the couch and the front of the girl's body, placing her ear in front of the girl's mouth. Her family was used to this performance, but I watched in open-mouthed astonishment as the girl finished seizing and Queenie relaxed with her on the couch, wagging her tail and looking for all the world like an ordinary dog, playing with her mistress.
Then the girl and her dog went to the girl's bedroom as her parents and I went to the kitchen for coffee. A little while later, Queenie came barreling down the hallway, barking. She did a U-turn in the kitchen and then went racing back to the girl's room.
"She's having a seizure," the mother told me.
The girl's father got up, in what seemed to me a casual manner for someone whose daughter often stopped breathing, and walked back to the bedroom after Queenie. My concern must have been evident on my face because the girl's mother smiled and said,
"I know what you're thinking, but you see, that's not the bark Queenie uses when my daughter stops breathing."
I shook my head in amazement. Queenie, the self-taught angel, proved to me once again how utterly foolish it is to suppose that animals don't think or can't communicate.
~ The Author is Roger Caras ~
http://www.52best.com/queen.asp
One Man’s Australia
The scandal of Cornelia Rau
We are reeling from a scandal that broke on Friday February 4th. John Howard is frantically trying to hose it down without holding an independent public enquiry - which the Opposition are calling for and, increasingly, the public are demanding.
Cornelia Rau, who is now aged 39, came to Australia from Germany as an immigrant at the age of 18 months. When she grew up she joined QANTAS and worked as a flight attendant until, sadly, developing paranoid schizophrenia forced her to retire.
Her sister Chris said yesterday Cornelia had been a patient at the psychiatric unit at Manly Hospital in Sydney when she disappeared in March last year.
Ms Rau was found by a group of Aborigines in north Queensland on March 31 last year. They were concerned about her disturbed, psychotic state and took her to the police for her own safety. She did not identify herself to police and spoke in German. The police assumed she was an illegal immigrant and handed her over to immigration officials on April 5.
She was held at the Brisbane Women's Correctional Centre for several months. She was transferred to the Baxter detention centre for illegal immigrants four months ago.
A spokesman for the Immigration Department said the department contacted the police missing persons registry in Queensland, but not in NSW.
Her family declared her missing after she failed to make contact. In November, NSW police appealed for help in locating Cornelia, saying she had been missing since March 17 last year.
About the same time, detainees in Baxter raised the alarm, sending messages to advocates that there was a woman in the detention centre who was very sick and needed help. They believed she was being locked in for 18-20 hours a day and that she was constantly crying and calling to be let out. One message from a fellow detainee posted on the refugee advocate website safecom.org on January 24, said Ms Rau appeared to be "very, very sick".
"She takes her clothes off and wanders around in this all-male compound. She screams obscenities, throws food at other detainees and smashes things."
It took until Thursday night for her family to identify her.
Chris Rau said : "The only two groups who were kind to Cornelia in all this time were the two most downtrodden groups in society -- the Aboriginal people in Cairns and the refugees in Baxter. There's an irony in that".
The Immigration Department claimed yesterday Ms Rau had been under mental supervision at all times. "A number of medical assessments were conducted by healthcare professionals, including doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists," the departmental spokesman said.
Labor immigration spokesman Laurie Ferguson has said the matter is of great concern and has called for an inquiry. "It's pretty dangerous if you have Alzheimer's disease or you speak a second language right now," Mr Ferguson said, adding that both the Queensland Police and the Federal Government had a lot of questions to answer.
Refugee advocate Pamela Curr, who spoke to Ms Rau at Baxter last month, said authorities should have been alerted earlier. Ms Curr said: "Her English was fine. She told me then she really wasn't in touch with reality, but there was a moment of clarity when she just wanted to get out of Baxter. I spoke to a detainee two days ago and he said her English was so good he thought she was an Aussie girl."
Cornelia is now in the Intensive Therapy Unit of the Glendale Psychiatric Hospital in Adelaide.
The nation is stunned that a sick citizen can be so appallingly treated.
And I am feeling ill with rage.
Lynette, who was 20 when we married and a brilliant student nurse, had a precursor episode in the UK at 23 and was put under sedation for a couple of days in the hospital where she was the Casualty Ward Sister. There was no diagnosis and she returned to work.
We were transferred to France. In 6 weeks she learned to speak French well enough to get a job as an RN at the nuclear research establishment where I worked and qualified in Nuclear Accident Control Nursing.
At 39, in Australia she underwent a hysterectomy - and the roof blew off the house. She became floridly psychotic and was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Her doctor commented that psychosis is a possible complication from a hysterectomy.
I was a bit insensitive and asked why, as we had no intention of having any more children. He cut me down with one question: "In that case would you like to be castrated?"
Luckily Lynette was an RN and her employers and colleagues recognised that she had a manageable mental illness. And she had guts. She carried on nursing for another 20 years, with periodic stays of a couple of days in hospital when her medication levels needed adjusting.
But like Cornelia Rau she was fluent in several languages. Like Cornelia Rau English was her second language because she was an Afrikaner. Like Cornelia Rau she was an immigrant. Like Cornelia Rau she was a naturalised Australian citizen. Like Cornelia Rau she was schizophrenic.
And I am appalled to think that, like Cornelia Rau, she could have disappeared without trace into the same mindless Federal Government machine.
Ramblings Of A Francophobe
Mike is on holiday in SA at present and will be back to writing soon.
No queries received this week.
Hi Maureen
We are immigrating to Australia - Melbourne on 2 April 2005 (leaving South Africa 1 April). Please can you assist me in obtaining contact details of any South African organisations or ex pats in Melbourne. I need this information to arrange for accommodation, transport etc
Regards
Norman
normanlazarus@webmail.co.za
--------------
I have been receiving your news on SAW for a while and hope that you can help me.
My son is in Grade 12 and would love to go and work overseas next year (2006). Only for 1 year and I don't know where to start looking for an agency to help or what to do.
Is there anyone that can help or give me some advice.
Regards
Annekie
info@catztours.co.za
Editor’s note: Alana at CFI has already given some feedback to Annekie – any other feedback will I am sure be gratefully received.
If you are looking for a lost friend... if you would like old friends to contact you... If you want to find old school friends... if you just want people who used to know you to find you again for a chat...
Send in your info, the info of anyone you are looking for and let’s see if we can find them for you!
I would like to get in touch with Lynne Geyser, nee Cavanagh.
Lynne's parents emigrated to South Africa from UK in the mid 1940's and lived at Coalbrook Colliery in 1973, where her dad was mine captain.
She married Ockie Geyser, they lived on a mining faculty at Witbank and had two daughters Liesl and Janine.
They divorced and Lynne moved to Vereeniging, 1973, later she remarried Johan ???? who worked at Natref Refinery Sasolburg in 1974.
I would love to hear from her if it is possible,
Many thanks for your help,
Kathleen.
Kathleen Grange kathleen_grange@yahoo
No club news received this week.
The Pastor’s Cat
This from Errol Errolimpala@wmconnect.com
This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day. Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor?
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk etc.
The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No, nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
Life’s Equations
More from Errol
Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Office Arithmetic
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Shopping Math
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
General Equations and Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Longevity
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Propensity to Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Discussion Technique
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
How to stop people from bugging you about getting married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I didn’t mean that!
This from Behice Ozbay behice@comcast.net
Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back or crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do.
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word ... he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking I said "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
3. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab a hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell grandma that I saw you kissing daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I Mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia
4. A Lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, "price check on lane thirteen, Tampax Super Size." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "Do you want the kind you push in or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
Diane E. Amov
5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said no. I kept thinking, "Oh lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me. Then I said "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo! I asked him one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "See Mom, it's just farts!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they ever had.
6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will. In the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story. We had a female anchor who, the day after it was supposed have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's the 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.
Baking a cake
More from Errol
A husband is at home watching a Football game when his wife interrupts,
Honey, Could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.
He looks at her and says angrily. Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have
GE written on my forehead? I don't think so.
Fine,
Then the wife asks,
Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right
To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse
written on my forehead? I don't think so
Fine, she says.
Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.
I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps. He says, does it look like I have Ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.
I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!!
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.
As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
He said, so what kind of cake did you bake?
She replied, Hellooooo.... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?
I don't think so!
Taxi!!
More from Errol
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
This is another recipe from Dr Weil (www.drweilcom)
I made this for supper yesterday (took it with me for after skiing!!) and it was yummy. I added some red kidney beans, some chopped green pepper and some chopped celery to the rest of the ingredients.
White Bean Salad
3 servings
This is a very easy bean salad you can make the night before and take to work, or serve as a side dish.
Start to finish: 5minutes
1 can white beans, like cannelini
1 tbsp red pepper, chopped fine
1 tbsp fresh parsley, chopped fine
1/4 cup tomato, diced
1 tbsp red onion, chopped fine
1 tsp extra-virgin olive oil
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 tsp herb and spice blend
Drain the canned beans and rinse well in a strainer. Make sure you've drained all the rinse water. Combine the remaining ingredients in a bowl, whisking the oil and vinegar together first. Add the beans. Experiment with different types of canned beans and different chopped vegetables to add.
Jennings in the spotlight
With the United Cricket Board due to advertise Ray Jennings's job this week, the focus on Tuesday was less on South Africa's chances of nailing down the one-day series against England at Mercedes-Benz Park on Wednesday than of the coach's hopes of retaining his job after his return with his team from the forthcoming tour of the West Indies in April and May.
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?...
NZ umpire denies being overawed by Aussies
Wellington - New Zealand cricket umpire Billy Bowden on Wednesday denied he and his colleagues were intimidated by the Australian players in the recent Test and one-day series involving Pakistan.
Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer this week said the Australians won close calls 29-5 in matches against his team, accusing the Australians of vociferous appeals designed to pressure umpires into ruling their way.
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?...
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